Pack your bags

I grew up a with a very sparse religious upbringing. Grandmothers did their part, and whisked us off to church when my sister and I would stay for a sleepover on a weekend. When I was middle school-age, My mom started us going to church on a slightly more regular basis. I remember the first time we went to our church was Easter Sunday, sixth grade.

I never liked church. For one thing, I always hated getting dressed up. As I got older, I rationalized that God should be pleased just to have me there - what one wears to worship God shouldn't make much of a difference, as long as you do it. I also felt painfully out of place in Sunday school and youth group. I didn't have enough of a background in the bible, or Christianity, to understand what was being talked about. I definitely felt like a sub-par Christian. Sometimes I still feel like I don't really understand what it means to be a Christian.

In college, I pursued a liberal arts education and became interested in ethnic and religious studies. I became bitter over the slaughter of innocent people, time and time again, done in the name of God or for the good of the Church. I completely turned away from organized religion, as I knew it. But still there remained a very strong, spiritual side to my being. I loved the Eastern religions that I studied. I think that what appealed to me is the responsibility one takes for one's own spiritual growth - less of the "group think" mentality. There's an open acknowledgment that everyone is in a different place on their spiritual journey, and taking the path that is right for them. And the eastern religions seem to embody peace with All around them. It just speaks to me.

Yet I still feel myself bound by the experiences of my youth. Recently N. has been asking questions about "who we are", ie: Are we Christians? I have trouble answering that question, which she means in the simplest way, as though she were merely asking: "Are we Americans?" (though I might take that to be just as loaded as the prior question, LOL). I've roughly outlined that Christians believe that Jesus is God, in human form (ie. the Son of God). I told her that me and her Daddy were raised in Christian homes, and that we celebrate Christmas and Easter, but not really in a Christian sense. And I told her that she may grow up to be Christian, or she might choose some other path.

I worry that I'm doing her (and eventually A.) a disservice by not providing them with any kind of path at all. At least I, as a child, was aware of some kind of sketchy path that I knew many of the important adults in my life were travelling down. I suppose that path is more akin to a freeway, and that I seem to spend a lot of time on side roads, but at least I know I can always find my way back to the freeway. I'm not good with freeway driving, but could probably do it if I had to (stick with the analogy, folks). With the kids, it's like we're raising them on a small island off the mainland. They know that the freeway exists because they've heard stories about it, but they can't quite imagine what a freeway would look like, and would have a difficult time ever getting there. I'm trying to figure out a way to pack up some of my spiritual baggage to give the kids a fair chance at growing up with a religious connection that can carry them through their lives. Whether they grow up to be freeway drivers, or meander on side roads shouldn't be a decision that their parents make for them, but leaving them the option to do either is something we owe to them.