The end is near!

The end of our laziness and absence of routine that has developed over the holidays, that is!

Little Brother is excited to go back to school and see his teacher. He has missed her. With all the snow, and his teacher being out for minor surgery the week before winter break, he was never able to give her the ornament he'd made. Once it's no longer hanging on the knob of my kitchen cabinet, I will finally be able to put the holidays behind us!

Taking down the stockings, decorations, and Christmas trees would probably go a long way towards helping with that, too. Oh, and if the snow could all melt away, that would be great.

Before taking a hiatus from our usual lack of routine (I think I've mentioned that I'm not a big schedule follower), Big Sister and I were at a rough spot on the homeschooling road. One day I had (gasp)... made her read (shocking, I know)... and then? I wanted her to write (horror of horrors) about what she had just read. She actually did fine with the reading - it was the writing that pushed her over the edge. The silent tears started, her shoulders slumped, her bottom lip stuck out. "I can't write!" she told me with conviction. "I don't ever want to write, and I don't want to read, either". Helpful and motivational as I am, I took this moment to say "Well I'm not going to let you grow up to be stupid, so you're going to have to just do it!" Ah, yes - not one of my finer moments.

The road blocks that stand in the way of her reading and writing are the same ones that have gotten in the way of successes and enjoyment of other activities in her life. She likes to get things right the first time, and rather than perservere over minor obstacles, she files the experiences away under the "things I can't do, or am not good at" category. She defines herself by the things which she believes she either cannot do, or is afraid to try. It doesn't help that she's also a really anxious kid, so often she has already talked herself out of being able to do something before she's even attempted it.

So as I sat there with her digging her heels in, not so much in an obstinate way, but in a way that told me she was convinced she'll never be able to do this and had given up any hope of succeeding, I tried to figure out how to snap her out of it. It didn't help that I was completely losing patience with the whole thing, as I tend be more of a "try, try again" type person. What my unhelpful inner voice wanted to scream at her was that this was a huge personality flaw on her part, and that life isn't always easy, and you can't just give up all the time. Thankfully I was able to censor that inner voice. Yet I felt I needed to convey to her that some things really are hard, but that they can be mastered through lots of determination, and that it can feel incredibly rewarding to break through something like that. I tried to explain that while reading and writing feel laborious, they will only get easier if she keeps doing those things on a regular basis. All she can see is this inbetween time - the struggle she's up against - and right now she's not motivated by what the end result will be.

There were other insights I gleaned during our conversation, but mostly it ended in frustration. Are we going to fight everyday until she realizes she's competent? This certainly wasn't my vision of homeschooling. I thought I was preserving her self-esteem by nurturing her in a supportive environment that built upon her strengths, and patiently tended and cultivated her weaknesses. I think that what I'm talking about is something that's maybe easier for a homeschooling parent to understand. I think that most people's response would be: "Well, of course you should make your kid do it. Kids don't get a choice. Why is this even an issue?", but I know what's worked for my kid in the past. In being mostly child-led over the course of our homeschooling (and parenting), being patient, and respecting her knowledge of herself (and she has proven to be very perceptive of her own readiness for things) has generally worked. I know that when we have pushed, and the timing wasn't right, then we've butted heads and made little progress. When I do get the timing right, it feels almost effortless. But now it's feeling like some areas are taking too long to develop, and I need to drag her along, willing or not.

So I've been able to pretty much ignore this whole mess the last couple of weeks. With the return to normalcy tomorrow, I've got to figure out how I'm going to proceed, and then try to be consistent. Wish me luck.