We are specks.

Hey. Sorry I went MIA there momentarily. It's been a week of pretty much wanting to just find a rock to hide under. Times can get like that. During the last week or so I've found myself pondering God and religion, as one is apt to do during a time of crisis (this one specifically affects my sister and her sweet boy, and by extension the rest of us - it's the kind of family we are).

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I'm not a religious person. Not necessarily because I don't want to be, but more because I haven't found one that speaks to me and fits just right. I am a spiritual person - to me that's completely separate from religion. At any rate, over the course of the past week I've found myself in conversation with God more so than usual. I'm not sure what I'm asking for, and truth be told, I try not to ask for much - I don't like to set myself up for disappointment.

There are a some people in my life who seem to continuously get the short end of the stick. Life is incredibly unfair to these people, and repeatedly doles out really horrible life events that even if taken singularly would be completely life-altering, but taken together become all the more staggering. These are good, caring, kind, peaceful, compassionate people. I can't chalk their "bad luck" up to karma. I can't even chalk it up to a balance of good and bad within the course of each person's life because life has been a long series of financial, medical, and relationship events that have not gone in their favor. Maybe I'm wrong and their luck will turn around tomorrow, and the rest of their living days will be bliss (ie. balance out the first half of their lives). I'm a little sceptical of that scenario happening.

And there are folks in my life who pray for these individuals all the time - daily, for decades now. They are beginning to feel their faith shaken. "Why isn't God hearing our prayers?" they ask. Surely God wouldn't allow the same people to keep being dumped on, or bring fear and suffering upon small children, just to teach all of us a lesson about "letting go and letting God". Right? God doesn't try to test or grow faith at the expense of others, does He?

I just don't know. In times like this I feel so small. I feel microscopic in my place in the world. Maybe it isn't for us to comprehend. How can I possibly expect to have a grasp on the "whole" from my tiny little place on earth? I think most humans are doers and fixers, and we're compelled to find answers and make things right. There are some things just can't be fixed by mere mortals. It's a hopeless kind of feeling, and I think this is where people who do have a stronger faith are at an advantage. Right now I'm just too at odds with God. I don't want to just accept that I'm not supposed to be able to understand the way life works.